Aryn Henning Nichols

Winter provides an opportunity to sink into a cocoon of rest and stillness. We seek solace in our homes with warm blankets, nourishing food, and cozy clothing. The cold days and long nights of this season can feel like a good excuse to cancel plans (or stop making them altogether). 

But if we aren’t careful, a welcome retreat can become an isolation habit. Once the holidays pass, it can be easy to disengage from the people and hobbies we’ve loved just months before. Yet, connection is not something that we can postpone until the warmer days of spring. Meaningful relationships are necessary for our health and happiness year-round.  

The Benefits of Connection 

A deep connection can release happiness hormones (like oxytocin or serotonin) that motivate us to reach out to that person again. Connection can also boost our resilience against stress and trauma. Our social bonds strengthen us. 

On the flip side, loneliness weakens our physical and mental health. It dampens our ability to connect with others. If we aren’t careful, feelings of loneliness can drive us into hiding. 

The Paradox of Loneliness 

Connecting has never been easier. Yet, we are lonelier than ever. 

We are so lonely that the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness an epidemic. Beyond that, the World Health Organization labeled loneliness a global health threat. 

This is the paradox of loneliness: the lonelier we feel, the more we tend to isolate, and the lonelier we become. Feelings of shame, insecurity, social anxiety, and fear of judgment prevent us from reaching out. Yet, hiding our feelings only deepens the chasm we feel between ourselves and others. 

The first step to recovering from loneliness is sharing how you feel with someone else. Then, you are no longer alone in it. The antidote to loneliness is connection.

Reconnect to Yourself First 

Sometimes, connecting with others is difficult because we are disconnected from ourselves. If we do not honor or accept our own feelings, how can we share them with someone else? If we cannot recognize or express our own needs, how can we expect someone else to meet them? Our ability to connect with others is only as strong as the relationship we have with ourselves. 

If you want someone who will love you unconditionally, who will always show up when you need them, and support you when you make a mistake… look no further than within. You have the ability to cultivate that unconditional love and positive regard for yourself. 

Start small. Take time to get to know yourself. Figure out what makes you feel joy (hint: probably the things you loved as a kid). Honor your needs and limitations. Validate your own feelings. Nourish yourself with healthy foods, sleep, fluids, and movement that feels good. 

The love (or lack of love) we feel for ourselves tends to show up in the way we relate to others. Connection always comes with risk. But we are more resilient against those risks when our inner voice is one of support, encouragement, and understanding. 

Small Doses of Connection 

In order to take a chance on connection, we need to recognize two important truths. First, we all have the opportunity to connect with others. Second, every opportunity for connection comes with the potential for rejection.  

A fear of rejection can sabotage these connection opportunities, leading us to view neutral responses as negative ones. And it can cause us to create stories of rejection in our heads when we don’t know another person’s intent. 

Fear of rejection is visceral, and for good reason. Our ancestors survived in groups. Social rejection meant certain death. For that reason, we evolved with an instinctual need to belong and remain within groups. It’s important to remember how deep both the fear of rejection and the need for connection are embedded in our nervous system. 

To start adjusting our reactions to positive intent, we can seek safe connections where the risk of rejection is lower. When you’re out in public, look up and make eye contact. Smile – even when a smile is not returned. Strike up a conversation while you wait in line. Ask your regular cashier to tell you their name. These relatively low-risk connections build on each other. Every positive encounter sends signals to our brains that it’s safe to connect.  

Through this process, we start to increase our risk tolerance and resilience against rejection. We start to understand that rejection is not personal. We can rely on the connections that we do make to remind us that we are not alone. 

A Quality Connection for Every Occasion 

Mingling and networking serve a purpose, but if you’ve ever found yourself surrounded by people, but still felt lonely, you know that quality connections matter. We also need to understand that different people meet different needs. 

Perhaps you have a friend who always makes you laugh but isn’t skilled when it comes to discussing deeper emotions. Or maybe one friend shares your hobbies and passions, but you can’t relate when it comes to lifestyle or values. 

Our method of connection matters too. Social media can be wonderful for connecting when we have no alternative – when distance or health prevent us from meeting face-to-face. But though our ability to connect grows through the internet, we miss out on the quality of another person’s presence – the depth of their smile, the reverberation of their laugh, the warmth of their embrace, and the peace of their companionship. 

Take note of all the relationships and methods of connection in your life. Assess the needs being met by each connection. Notice where there are gaps. Start to think about how you might make connections to fill in the gaps. (See the following worksheet to get started.)

Connect Through Shared Interests

As we share our experiences with others and take the time to understand theirs, we can begin to develop a shared system of understanding. 

Many religions and philosophies are centered around shared worldviews. If you’re religious, you may find that your shared beliefs and values help you develop deep and meaningful connections in your chosen religious spaces. Spiritual connection could mean attending meditation sessions, yoga classes, gratitude circles, or even a spiritual retreat.

Shared hobbies and interests can also bring people together. If you’re passionate about health and fitness, try joining a running club, taking fitness or cooking classes, or finding creative ways to make your meals or workouts more social. Love animals? Volunteer at an animal shelter or become a dog walker. Enjoy nature? Adopt a highway, volunteer to help build a trail, or join conservation groups. Are you a music enthusiast? Drum circles, singing groups, concerts, and lessons all have strong potential for social bonding.

We might even borrow connection-friendly ideas from other cultures. For example, in Sweden they have a tradition called fika, where individuals connect to enjoy an afternoon treat or drink. In Australia and England, they share a similar tradition of breaking for morning and/or afternoon tea. Perhaps you could start a tradition with a coworker or family member to set aside a moment each day to connect while enjoying a treat or drink. 

Consider your own values, passions, and beliefs. What activities might lend themselves to social connection with people who share your worldview? 

Seek Professional Support 

While there are myriad ways to connect, it is not always easy. Deep-seated feelings of loneliness and isolation can make us feel vulnerable. On top of that, fear of rejection and attachment wounds can make connecting with new people downright terrifying. 

In this case, a professional can help. Consider reaching out to work with a therapist or joining a support group. Continue searching for support until you remember that you are not alone. 

Connection is an essential human need. We are wired for love and belonging. While we can now survive without the need for a group, connection adds depth, meaning, and richness to the human experience. You are worthy of love, belonging, and connection. Your people are waiting for you to put yourself out there so you can find each other.  

Olivia Lynn Schnur

Olivia Lynn Schnur is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and EMDR Certified Therapist. She is also a Certified Yoga Teacher and Reiki Master. Olivia writes about health, healing, and happiness to in hopes of inspiring, educating, and empowering individuals to improve their mental health. You can learn more about Olivia, or book a yoga session, at oliviaschnur.com. 

Click this worksheet to print a copy!

Ten years ago, Kara Maloney was a senior at Luther College in Decorah, completing a double-major in Studio Art and Business Management, running cross-country, and feeling excited about her future. 

A bit anxious, too.

“Arts management is a highly competitive field,” Kara says. “I’d done internships at Vesterheim, Lanesboro Arts, and Springboard for the Arts, but I still wasn’t sure where I was headed.”

Kara arrived in Lanesboro, Minnesota, in 2015 for that one-month internship at Lanesboro Arts, a nationally recognized and respected small-town arts center. A year later, she became its full-time advancement director.

She had some reservations about moving to a town whose population barely topped 700. “I grew up in South Minneapolis and always figured the Twin Cities would be my eventual landing spot. My Luther advisor told me to give Lanesboro a try for two years. Now, 10 years later, I’m glad I did! It proved a great fit. People were very friendly, inviting me over for dinner, movie nights, community sings, potlucks. It felt like home right away.”

Today, at the age of 30, Kara is Executive Director of Lanesboro Arts. It’s a position and a place that’s giving her the opportunity to do what she loves most – community-building.

“I love the feeling of people being and working together,” Kara says. “My greatest professional joy is collaborating with others, members of my team, people in Lanesboro, and with other connections I have. Everything I do is community-driven.”

One her major goals is to bring the skills and viewpoints of artists to the community table. “We’re all trying to succeed with limited resources,” she says. “And artists know all about that! They also contribute imaginative thinking, the ability to pivot, and a resiliency that comes from dealing with criticism and critique that helps everyone.”

Kara was raised in an active family, visiting museums, attending concerts, and enjoying the outdoors. Her parents were service-oriented, too, she says. “My dad volunteered at church, among other things. My mom – who’s also an artist – taught classes, created mural backdrops, and face-painted at festivals. They taught me community is important.”

Beyond her full-time work at Lanesboro Arts, Kara quickly jumped in to help with other community organizations. She joined the Lanesboro Area Chamber of Commerce board (which she now chairs), the Downtown Business Promotion Group, the Sons of Norway, the Blandin Community Leadership Program, and LEAN (Lanesboro Entrepreneurial Action Network). She’s served six years on the SEMAC (Southeastern Minnesota Arts Council) board and is part of RUX (the Rural Urban Exchange) based in Winona. In her “spare” time she coaches the Lanesboro Junior High track-and-field team, is a familiar face on the town’s pickleball court, and enjoys personal art projects like rosemaling. “Life does get busy!” Kara says with a laugh. “It’s about making time for priorities.”

And when a community is small enough to literally know everyone, there can be a unique set of challenges and competing thoughts on what should be top priority. “Sometimes we get in the weeds and have tough conversations. People have differing opinions; feelings can get hurt. When that happens it’s important to keep talking and working together.”

Being on the younger side of leadership can feel like a hurdle as well.

“I feel valued and listened to, but there are times when I sense I’m not the most visible person in the room,” she says. “I move past that by seeking conversations and commonality. People my age are eager to build community.”

She sees fellow millennials and younger generations creating space and change across the region, citing Decorah’s Pride Festival and a mental health fundraiser in Lanesboro as examples, both organized by folks with a mix of ages. Kara says it’s important to not get stymied by the often-slow pace of change that’s sometimes a reality in small towns. “We all get impatient at times,” she says. “It helps to remember that ‘change happens at the speed of trust’ and to ‘move slowly, with care.’”

But small towns can also prove that, when neighbors are in need, people come together. Showing up not only builds community, she says, it creates a powerful circle. “When you show up to volunteer at a cancer fundraiser, to usher at a community theater play, to deliver senior meals, you support others. People who do that get supported in return.”

One example of that support had a lasting impact on Kara’s commitment to her community. It happened on the evening of June 18, 2016, the day before “Art in the Park,” Lanesboro Art’s major annual festival. Volunteers showed up in Sylvan Park to set up. So did a fierce Midwest thunderstorm with high winds, heavy rain, and hail. Trees came down, a park shelter was destroyed, event decorations were in shambles. Kara, one of the staff members in charge of the event, was faced with the decision to cancel it.

As they discussed that option, people began showing up at the park to help clear debris. Despite clean-up tasks at their own homes, and working in the beam of car headlights, volunteers brought order to the chaos. Chainsaws buzzed into the night as downed trees and branches were hauled away. “We didn’t make phone calls, people just came,” Kara recalls. “The next day, the festival went off beautifully. But we couldn’t have done it without those generous volunteers.”

Kara thinks about the impact of that type of community care – and the impact she wants to have in the future – every day, every time she works to create space for members of her community. “However long I’m here, I want to help make our community an even more welcoming place. A place where people of all backgrounds feel they belong. A safe and inclusive place where everyone can contribute their gifts. That’s the legacy I hope to leave.”

No matter a town’s size or age of its people, community-building happens best in simple ways, says Kara. “It’s about building relationships. It’s about being curious and staying open-minded. Most of all, it’s about showing up.”

Steve Harris

Steve Harris (steveharrisauthor.com) is a freelance writer who lives in Lanesboro, Minnesota, and can be reached at sharris1962@msn.com.

In Laura Demuth’s cozy home, once a one-room schoolhouse, drapes woven in red, blue and tan cover closets and shelves; on walls, floors, chairs, and railings, woven coverlets and tapestries glow with geometric patterns or flowing designs of trees, leaves, and acorns.

Laura, whose last name is pronounced “DAY-mut,” is a weaver in the Norwegian folk tradition, a skill she has honed for four decades. She received a Gold Medal in Weaving in 2001 from the Vesterheim Norwegian-American Museum and Folk Art School in Decorah, and she has continued to grow her skills from there, constantly exploring new techniques and passing them along through her teaching.

A floor loom occupies her home’s front room. Next to it sits a spinning wheel where Laura produces yarn from the wool of her own flock of sheep (and once, a single cranky llama). In recent years, Laura has converted an upper room into another center for her creativity. A tapestry loom, tucked under a skylight, perfectly fills this space, where her current project is unfolding: a landscape featuring the Yukon River. In the tradition of billedvev (“picture-weaving”), Norway’s tapestry technique, the design is based on a photo taken by her daughter, Bathsheba Demuth, an environmental historian at Brown University who specializes in the Russian and North American Arctic.

Laura is improvising subtle layers of greens, browns, golds, and reds to recreate the scene. “This is a new thing for me,” she says. “I’m just making it up as I go along.”

According to Laura, this has been her approach to weaving and to life in general. No lifelong goals, no grand plans. “I’ve meandered,” she says wryly.

Weaving Her Own Way

Laura came to Decorah in 1976 to attend Luther College. Her life has been Decorah-centered ever since, but growing up, she moved a lot. Her father worked as a civil servant for the U.S. Army, and the family relocated every few years to multiple states as well as to France and Germany.

Laura finished high school in Hanau, Germany, where the post chaplain was a Luther College alumnus. On his recommendation, she applied to the college, and when Luther gave her the best financial aid package of the colleges she had applied to, she chose it.

At Luther, she encountered two important influences. Number one was her husband, Steve Demuth of Pipestone, Minnesota. They were married in 1978.

A philosophy major, Laura’s interest in ethics led her to the second important influence: the work of Mahatma Gandhi, to which spinning and weaving were integral. “It was the first time I heard of spinning,” Laura says. The idea of spinning yarn and thread by hand and weaving one’s own clothing stuck with her.

While living in married student housing at Luther, she bought a loom and took a weaving class in the art department. She had grown up embroidering, knitting, and sewing. But weaving was completely new to her. 

Meanwhile, Steve graduated. A math and physics major, he began working for Luther’s computer center while Laura worked on her degree. They both felt pulled to living in the country, though, so with only a semester of coursework left to go toward her BA, Laura dropped out. “It was a stupid thing to do,” she says. “But I had changed direction.”  

Initially, they lived on a friend’s farm, and she took her floor loom along. 

“I started weaving and making a lot of mistakes,” she says. She read books and magazines and got tips from fellow members of the Decorah Weavers Guild. 

When Bathsheba was two, the family moved to their current acreage, north of Decorah. Her son, Gabriel, was born four years later. Laura home educated the kids, while Steve worked for Seed Savers Exchange and then for Mayo Clinic, where he was chief technology officer. (Following in his father’s footsteps, Gabriel lives in Rochester, Minnesota, and works for Mayo Clinic as a statistician for health care research.)

Although Laura began weaving thinking she would earn money for the family, that idea fell by the wayside. She couldn’t imagine how much she would have to charge for the labor and the yarn that goes into her blankets and tapestries. 

“I didn’t see how hard it was going to be to sell things and make a living at it. I’m not an entrepreneur and not a salesman.”

Yet, she committed to a hand-woven life, nonetheless. Today, she says in wonder, “We bought 40 bred sheep when I was nine months pregnant. It was crazy!” These sheep were Corriedales, a New Zealand breed good for producing wool. Thus started a decades-long practice of shearing her own sheep, preparing the wool, and spinning her own yarn.

Eventually, they switched to a herd of Bluefaced Leicester, an English breed that is easy to handle and that has, in Laura’s words, “great fleece,” as well as working with that one temperamental llama – not so easy to handle. “She was a crank,” she says. “But now, I miss her.”

In the summer of 2023, the Demuths sold their sheep and llama. An adult Bluefaced Leicester weighs around 160 pounds, and they realized that shearing them had become too difficult. Laura misses her herd and expects they will acquire a smaller breed in the future.

She keeps pushing herself for two reasons, both ethical and educational.

“I think making your own clothing, or at least some aspect of your own clothing, can foster an appreciation for clothing itself; [it allows you] to gain some idea of the amount of labor and care and also intelligence that goes into clothing,” Laura says in a short documentary about her in Pioneer Public TV’s Postcards series. “It is actually a platform on which we can find expression and we can find joy.”

“Weaving has always been an intriguing problem. It’s a technical question that pushes your brain,” she adds. “It keeps you full with questions and possibilities.”

Vesterheim Connection

In 1993, Laura entered her weaving in the Vesterheim’s National Norwegian-American Folk Art Exhibition. This annual summer exhibition is designed to encourage and inspire folk artists to develop crafts rooted in Norwegian traditions.

The best pieces in the exhibition are recognized, and Laura won her first ribbon. “It was a double weave pick-up wall hanging that I made for my son,” she says. “He was very interested in the Vikings at the time, so the piece was filled with images of dragons, Viking ships, and runes.”

Laura started taking classes at the Vesterheim Folk Art School in 1998. “I knew the basic techniques, but not until I took classes at Vesterheim did I get better, because the teachers were masters,” she says. “They pointed me to the high-quality yarns, materials, and techniques.”

Her awards from the National Norwegian-American Folk Art Exhibition added up quickly, with ribbons in 1999, 2000, and the Gold Medal for Weaving in 2001. Only 25 gold medals for weaving have been awarded since 1982. She is highly respected among the local and regional community of weavers and has published in several magazines about weaving.

Teaching was the next obvious step, and for the past 20 years, Laura has taught weaving for Vesterheim’s folk art school. “Laura Demuth is a masterful artist and instructor,” says Andrew Ellingsen, director of folk art education. “When Vesterheim closed during the pandemic, Laura was one of the first instructors to take on the challenge of teaching folk art online. Whether she’s teaching online or in person, Laura celebrates and uplifts traditional Scandinavian weaving techniques while also bringing a warmth, a gentleness, and a calmness to the classroom. We are incredibly lucky to work with her!”

Finding and Giving Joy

In addition to becoming a master in Norwegian weaving, homeschooling her two children, and producing her own wool and yarn from her family’s flock of sheep, a visit to an open house at the Decorah Zen Center in 1999 started her journey to becoming a Zen Buddhist. She was ordained as a priest in 2013. “I’m this little mousy lady who lives in Iowa, and I have the chance to be a Zen Buddhist priest,” she marvels. “How weird is that?” She currently co-directs the Decorah Zen Center and assists with the practice and events at Ryumonji Zen Monastery, a training monastery in the Soto Zen tradition, in Allamakee County. And in 2006, she completed her bachelor’s degree in philosophy at Luther College after a decades-long hiatus. 

If creativity and joy was the goal, Laura Demuth’s art and life show that she’s still “meandering” steadily in that direction. She has woven a beautiful life.

“I like things that are difficult,” she says. “I like to solve puzzles.”

Her husband, Steve Demuth, remarks simply, “She is an inspiring person.”

Laura Barlament

Laura Barlament is the executive director of marketing and communications for Luther College. As a contributor to Inspire(d), she enjoys learning more about the vibrant tapestry of the Decorah community.