Aryn Henning Nichols

Winter provides an opportunity to sink into a cocoon of rest and stillness. We seek solace in our homes with warm blankets, nourishing food, and cozy clothing. The cold days and long nights of this season can feel like a good excuse to cancel plans (or stop making them altogether). 

But if we aren’t careful, a welcome retreat can become an isolation habit. Once the holidays pass, it can be easy to disengage from the people and hobbies we’ve loved just months before. Yet, connection is not something that we can postpone until the warmer days of spring. Meaningful relationships are necessary for our health and happiness year-round.  

The Benefits of Connection 

A deep connection can release happiness hormones (like oxytocin or serotonin) that motivate us to reach out to that person again. Connection can also boost our resilience against stress and trauma. Our social bonds strengthen us. 

On the flip side, loneliness weakens our physical and mental health. It dampens our ability to connect with others. If we aren’t careful, feelings of loneliness can drive us into hiding. 

The Paradox of Loneliness 

Connecting has never been easier. Yet, we are lonelier than ever. 

We are so lonely that the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness an epidemic. Beyond that, the World Health Organization labeled loneliness a global health threat. 

This is the paradox of loneliness: the lonelier we feel, the more we tend to isolate, and the lonelier we become. Feelings of shame, insecurity, social anxiety, and fear of judgment prevent us from reaching out. Yet, hiding our feelings only deepens the chasm we feel between ourselves and others. 

The first step to recovering from loneliness is sharing how you feel with someone else. Then, you are no longer alone in it. The antidote to loneliness is connection.

Reconnect to Yourself First 

Sometimes, connecting with others is difficult because we are disconnected from ourselves. If we do not honor or accept our own feelings, how can we share them with someone else? If we cannot recognize or express our own needs, how can we expect someone else to meet them? Our ability to connect with others is only as strong as the relationship we have with ourselves. 

If you want someone who will love you unconditionally, who will always show up when you need them, and support you when you make a mistake… look no further than within. You have the ability to cultivate that unconditional love and positive regard for yourself. 

Start small. Take time to get to know yourself. Figure out what makes you feel joy (hint: probably the things you loved as a kid). Honor your needs and limitations. Validate your own feelings. Nourish yourself with healthy foods, sleep, fluids, and movement that feels good. 

The love (or lack of love) we feel for ourselves tends to show up in the way we relate to others. Connection always comes with risk. But we are more resilient against those risks when our inner voice is one of support, encouragement, and understanding. 

Small Doses of Connection 

In order to take a chance on connection, we need to recognize two important truths. First, we all have the opportunity to connect with others. Second, every opportunity for connection comes with the potential for rejection.  

A fear of rejection can sabotage these connection opportunities, leading us to view neutral responses as negative ones. And it can cause us to create stories of rejection in our heads when we don’t know another person’s intent. 

Fear of rejection is visceral, and for good reason. Our ancestors survived in groups. Social rejection meant certain death. For that reason, we evolved with an instinctual need to belong and remain within groups. It’s important to remember how deep both the fear of rejection and the need for connection are embedded in our nervous system. 

To start adjusting our reactions to positive intent, we can seek safe connections where the risk of rejection is lower. When you’re out in public, look up and make eye contact. Smile – even when a smile is not returned. Strike up a conversation while you wait in line. Ask your regular cashier to tell you their name. These relatively low-risk connections build on each other. Every positive encounter sends signals to our brains that it’s safe to connect.  

Through this process, we start to increase our risk tolerance and resilience against rejection. We start to understand that rejection is not personal. We can rely on the connections that we do make to remind us that we are not alone. 

A Quality Connection for Every Occasion 

Mingling and networking serve a purpose, but if you’ve ever found yourself surrounded by people, but still felt lonely, you know that quality connections matter. We also need to understand that different people meet different needs. 

Perhaps you have a friend who always makes you laugh but isn’t skilled when it comes to discussing deeper emotions. Or maybe one friend shares your hobbies and passions, but you can’t relate when it comes to lifestyle or values. 

Our method of connection matters too. Social media can be wonderful for connecting when we have no alternative – when distance or health prevent us from meeting face-to-face. But though our ability to connect grows through the internet, we miss out on the quality of another person’s presence – the depth of their smile, the reverberation of their laugh, the warmth of their embrace, and the peace of their companionship. 

Take note of all the relationships and methods of connection in your life. Assess the needs being met by each connection. Notice where there are gaps. Start to think about how you might make connections to fill in the gaps. (See the following worksheet to get started.)

Connect Through Shared Interests

As we share our experiences with others and take the time to understand theirs, we can begin to develop a shared system of understanding. 

Many religions and philosophies are centered around shared worldviews. If you’re religious, you may find that your shared beliefs and values help you develop deep and meaningful connections in your chosen religious spaces. Spiritual connection could mean attending meditation sessions, yoga classes, gratitude circles, or even a spiritual retreat.

Shared hobbies and interests can also bring people together. If you’re passionate about health and fitness, try joining a running club, taking fitness or cooking classes, or finding creative ways to make your meals or workouts more social. Love animals? Volunteer at an animal shelter or become a dog walker. Enjoy nature? Adopt a highway, volunteer to help build a trail, or join conservation groups. Are you a music enthusiast? Drum circles, singing groups, concerts, and lessons all have strong potential for social bonding.

We might even borrow connection-friendly ideas from other cultures. For example, in Sweden they have a tradition called fika, where individuals connect to enjoy an afternoon treat or drink. In Australia and England, they share a similar tradition of breaking for morning and/or afternoon tea. Perhaps you could start a tradition with a coworker or family member to set aside a moment each day to connect while enjoying a treat or drink. 

Consider your own values, passions, and beliefs. What activities might lend themselves to social connection with people who share your worldview? 

Seek Professional Support 

While there are myriad ways to connect, it is not always easy. Deep-seated feelings of loneliness and isolation can make us feel vulnerable. On top of that, fear of rejection and attachment wounds can make connecting with new people downright terrifying. 

In this case, a professional can help. Consider reaching out to work with a therapist or joining a support group. Continue searching for support until you remember that you are not alone. 

Connection is an essential human need. We are wired for love and belonging. While we can now survive without the need for a group, connection adds depth, meaning, and richness to the human experience. You are worthy of love, belonging, and connection. Your people are waiting for you to put yourself out there so you can find each other.  

Olivia Lynn Schnur

Olivia Lynn Schnur is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and EMDR Certified Therapist. She is also a Certified Yoga Teacher and Reiki Master. Olivia writes about health, healing, and happiness to in hopes of inspiring, educating, and empowering individuals to improve their mental health. You can learn more about Olivia, or book a yoga session, at oliviaschnur.com. 

Click this worksheet to print a copy!

Cardboard Robot on Winnebago Street in Downtown Decorah is “your friendly neighborhood making-stuff store.” It’s a place filled with creativity and inspiration – art supplies, science toys, craft kits, nice paper and journals, and lots of nice pens (and other good stuff too).

“Everything we sell takes some creative input – building, writing, doing. One of the examples I often give is that we don’t sell greeting cards, but we do sell blank cards and envelopes that you can make into a thoughtful and personal greeting card,” says owner Eric Sovern. 

Eric and his wife, Shannon Horton, moved to Decorah from the Twin Cities in June of 2008. They had just had their son, Jack, in 2007, and Eric was able to work remotely at his job for Surly bicycles.

In 2011, the Decorah community was lucky to name Shannon as the new Decorah Middle and High School librarian, and in 2017, Eric and Shannon jumped into the entrepreneur world by opening Cardboard Robot in Decorah.

It’s a family business through-and-through. “Jack turned 17 in August of this year. He’s a senior. When we started the shop, he was 10 and loved giving people tours of the store when they came in,” Eric says. “Best salesperson ever.” And the work Shannon does at the schools goes hand-in-hand with the mission at Cardboard Robot, funneling ideas to engage young people in creative endeavors. 

The Cardboard Robot building sits tall on an alley corner midway up Winnebago (a street that gets more rad by the minute). The front door is sandwiched between an always awesome (often cardboard) window display and a cool black-and-white mural. Inside, the 3D printer is generally humming away, making something neat in the background while Eric is busy helping a customer or putting together a CardBored Box in the back workshop. 

What’s that, you ask? The CardBored Boxes are Cardboard Robot’s own brand of everything-you-need activity kits. Packaged in a box you can turn into your very own cardboard robot; each kit is a complete maker adventure. Current offerings include the Helm of Brilliance – a DIY headlamp including a small circuit board; the (Hold Me Closer) Tiny Stamper – with a Speedball linoleum carving tool and pink eraser to make your own stamp; and the Fun Size Art Gallery – three mini canvases and supplies to make a “wee art show” (including two 3-D printed figures ready to admire your work).

While Cardboard Robot is a great place to find presents for birthdays and holidays alike, Eric wants folks to remember creativity is a gift for yourself, too. Creative work is all about the process; you don’t have to be good at it to do it. It’s the doing it part that often holds the most beauty.

The Basics:
Name: Eric Sovern
Age: 55
Business: Cardboard Robot
Year Business Established: 2017
Business address: 110 Winnebago St Decorah
Website: cardboardrobot.biz

Tell us about the “leap” moment. When/how did you decide to jump in and become your own boss?

From what I know, a lot of business owners are living out a dream they’ve had for a long time to own a business. Maybe it’s odd, but that’s not been my experience at all. I had never planned to open a retail store for people who make things. Instead, I think I’ve lived a life that has somehow led me inexorably to opening a retail shop for people who make things. So, in that sense, there was no “leap moment” so much as a long slow decline into entrepreneurship. 

I think Cardboard Robot is the culmination of the jobs I’ve done, the hobbies I’ve tried, and the desire for the kind of weirdo clubhouse of creativity that I wasn’t sure existed anywhere. I was a teacher for a few years, and I worked in the bicycle industry for a lot of years. Both of those careers involved a lot of creativity and trying to do something worthwhile. Also, in 2007 we had a kid. There’s not much that will keep you on your toes trying to figure out cool things to build, make, and do more than trying to keep a six-year-old entertained.

Shannon, in her role as librarian, started a maker space for Decorah Middle School, and that became a huge inspiration for the store we eventually created. Watching students light up when asked to build something is a powerful thing.

Honestly, the store itself is a pretty equal two-scoop helping of Shannon’s great eye for cool things people might want and my love of the jumbled hobby store. I love it so much when people come in and have an idea of a thing they want to make. I want to help with that. A mom came in one year frustrated that her daughter didn’t want any of the princess costumes that were offered for Halloween, but instead wanted to be a clothes dryer. Yes, please! Getting to help bounce around ideas about how that might work was 100 percent satisfying.

That’s ultimately the genesis of the store’s name, too. Making a weird costume for your kid can be so much more fun than just buying something. The Cardboard Robot really did happen in our basement – and it’s a symbol in our minds for getting creative.

What’s the weirdest request you’ve had at the store?

I did have a person walk 10 feet into the store once, look around for a solid 20 seconds from that spot, and then ask me if everything in here was made out of cardboard. I’ve also had people think we’re a shipping store that will package up your glass beer growlers and get them safely across the country.

What do people come in for all the time?

Pens and journals. I love pens and journals, and so do our customers. The simplest form of creativity happens when you grab a writing instrument and face a blank page.

What’s the best thing about being your own boss?

I love not having to ask for permission to do a thing. I’m a pretty spontaneous person generally, and planning ahead doesn’t always come naturally to me. So, now, when an idea strikes, I can just go with it. I don’t have to run it through a committee or have a meeting. That feels pretty cool.

 How about the worst?

The fear of failure can be paralyzing. “What if people don’t like this?” I mean, I feel like the store is a pretty good representation of what I like and who I am. If people don’t get it, or don’t like it that feels personal. I get that it’s not, but still…

 Any mentors/role models you look to/have looked to?

I once worked on a crew painting dorms in the summers while I attended the University of Iowa during the previous century. The boss was a younger guy just a few years older than I was who had taken over the business from his uncle. He was the sort of person who wanted to teach you to do a job, to do it well, and to be proud of the outcome, and that made me want to work hard just so he would make money. It was from him that I learned that what job you did wasn’t really the important thing. What mattered was working hard and working with integrity. “Paint the parts that nobody will ever see and do it well because it’s the right way to do it.” 

I also come from a line of entrepreneurs and idea people. My parents are both people who hatch plans and go for it. Both of them went back to school later in their careers and were never afraid to change course and follow a new path. That’s an amazing lesson to have learned and I will always be grateful for them. Having a belief somewhere inside you that you can do just about anything is pretty powerful, and I’m grateful to my folks for instilling that.

What’s the one thing you wish you had known before you started?

I wish I knew at the beginning how to better ask for help. I think I still need that. There are so many parts to running a business, and I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to be good at all of them – though, I think I have tried. It really does help a ton to lean on the skills of the people in your life. I couldn’t be happier when someone asks me for help, but it can be difficult for me to do that myself. I suppose it may be the most Midwestern thing about me. I’m still working on this.

 How do you manage your life/work balance?

Working at Cardboard Robot is something that I really do enjoy. I’m mostly able to separate myself from work for time with family and friends. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wake up at 4 am thinking about shelving or how many bags we have left. We originally moved to Decorah from Minneapolis 17 years ago to reduce commute times and feel more connected to our community and our kid. I think that has worked out pretty well for the most part.  This might also be a good question for Shannon to answer.

What keeps you inspired?

The inspiration for this venture comes directly from our customers. I love that we have regulars who get supplies from us to make amazing things. It’s also energizing to talk with Decorah’s visitors and find out where they’re from and what they do. During a lot of conversations I have with these folks they will pull out their phones to show me pictures of the art or craft or cardboard fort they’re building or making. Seeing that and hearing people say how much they appreciate having a place that supports creativity is the fuel that keeps this bus on the road.

What do you wish people knew or believed about creative work?

The thing I least like to hear from people is, “I’m not an artist,” or, “I’m not crafty.” I think people actually believe that you are either born with the natural ability to make beautiful things, or you are not, and are forever relegated to a life of blandness. Everyone is an artist. Everyone can make things. You may not be able to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling, but that’s a good thing because it’s already done, and I think you’d get in trouble. Michelangelo didn’t paint that on the first day he picked up a brush. He wanted to do it, worked at it, and got good at it. It’s the same as it is with everything. I’m no good at flying a plane, but that’s because I’ve never trained to do it or made it a priority in my life. I’m pretty sure I could learn to do it with training and practice. Some people have been doodling in the margins of every piece of paper they’ve held. That’s artist training, and sometimes they get pretty good at it. Art and craft work also doesn’t have to hang in a museum for it to have value. All it has to do is express something you feel inside and then make you feel good about getting it done.

Read more Sum of Your Business interviews here!

Ten years ago, Kara Maloney was a senior at Luther College in Decorah, completing a double-major in Studio Art and Business Management, running cross-country, and feeling excited about her future. 

A bit anxious, too.

“Arts management is a highly competitive field,” Kara says. “I’d done internships at Vesterheim, Lanesboro Arts, and Springboard for the Arts, but I still wasn’t sure where I was headed.”

Kara arrived in Lanesboro, Minnesota, in 2015 for that one-month internship at Lanesboro Arts, a nationally recognized and respected small-town arts center. A year later, she became its full-time advancement director.

She had some reservations about moving to a town whose population barely topped 700. “I grew up in South Minneapolis and always figured the Twin Cities would be my eventual landing spot. My Luther advisor told me to give Lanesboro a try for two years. Now, 10 years later, I’m glad I did! It proved a great fit. People were very friendly, inviting me over for dinner, movie nights, community sings, potlucks. It felt like home right away.”

Today, at the age of 30, Kara is Executive Director of Lanesboro Arts. It’s a position and a place that’s giving her the opportunity to do what she loves most – community-building.

“I love the feeling of people being and working together,” Kara says. “My greatest professional joy is collaborating with others, members of my team, people in Lanesboro, and with other connections I have. Everything I do is community-driven.”

One her major goals is to bring the skills and viewpoints of artists to the community table. “We’re all trying to succeed with limited resources,” she says. “And artists know all about that! They also contribute imaginative thinking, the ability to pivot, and a resiliency that comes from dealing with criticism and critique that helps everyone.”

Kara was raised in an active family, visiting museums, attending concerts, and enjoying the outdoors. Her parents were service-oriented, too, she says. “My dad volunteered at church, among other things. My mom – who’s also an artist – taught classes, created mural backdrops, and face-painted at festivals. They taught me community is important.”

Beyond her full-time work at Lanesboro Arts, Kara quickly jumped in to help with other community organizations. She joined the Lanesboro Area Chamber of Commerce board (which she now chairs), the Downtown Business Promotion Group, the Sons of Norway, the Blandin Community Leadership Program, and LEAN (Lanesboro Entrepreneurial Action Network). She’s served six years on the SEMAC (Southeastern Minnesota Arts Council) board and is part of RUX (the Rural Urban Exchange) based in Winona. In her “spare” time she coaches the Lanesboro Junior High track-and-field team, is a familiar face on the town’s pickleball court, and enjoys personal art projects like rosemaling. “Life does get busy!” Kara says with a laugh. “It’s about making time for priorities.”

And when a community is small enough to literally know everyone, there can be a unique set of challenges and competing thoughts on what should be top priority. “Sometimes we get in the weeds and have tough conversations. People have differing opinions; feelings can get hurt. When that happens it’s important to keep talking and working together.”

Being on the younger side of leadership can feel like a hurdle as well.

“I feel valued and listened to, but there are times when I sense I’m not the most visible person in the room,” she says. “I move past that by seeking conversations and commonality. People my age are eager to build community.”

She sees fellow millennials and younger generations creating space and change across the region, citing Decorah’s Pride Festival and a mental health fundraiser in Lanesboro as examples, both organized by folks with a mix of ages. Kara says it’s important to not get stymied by the often-slow pace of change that’s sometimes a reality in small towns. “We all get impatient at times,” she says. “It helps to remember that ‘change happens at the speed of trust’ and to ‘move slowly, with care.’”

But small towns can also prove that, when neighbors are in need, people come together. Showing up not only builds community, she says, it creates a powerful circle. “When you show up to volunteer at a cancer fundraiser, to usher at a community theater play, to deliver senior meals, you support others. People who do that get supported in return.”

One example of that support had a lasting impact on Kara’s commitment to her community. It happened on the evening of June 18, 2016, the day before “Art in the Park,” Lanesboro Art’s major annual festival. Volunteers showed up in Sylvan Park to set up. So did a fierce Midwest thunderstorm with high winds, heavy rain, and hail. Trees came down, a park shelter was destroyed, event decorations were in shambles. Kara, one of the staff members in charge of the event, was faced with the decision to cancel it.

As they discussed that option, people began showing up at the park to help clear debris. Despite clean-up tasks at their own homes, and working in the beam of car headlights, volunteers brought order to the chaos. Chainsaws buzzed into the night as downed trees and branches were hauled away. “We didn’t make phone calls, people just came,” Kara recalls. “The next day, the festival went off beautifully. But we couldn’t have done it without those generous volunteers.”

Kara thinks about the impact of that type of community care – and the impact she wants to have in the future – every day, every time she works to create space for members of her community. “However long I’m here, I want to help make our community an even more welcoming place. A place where people of all backgrounds feel they belong. A safe and inclusive place where everyone can contribute their gifts. That’s the legacy I hope to leave.”

No matter a town’s size or age of its people, community-building happens best in simple ways, says Kara. “It’s about building relationships. It’s about being curious and staying open-minded. Most of all, it’s about showing up.”

Steve Harris

Steve Harris (steveharrisauthor.com) is a freelance writer who lives in Lanesboro, Minnesota, and can be reached at sharris1962@msn.com.